Friends,
Here is a wonderful article by our Board President. It appeared in Sunday's Courier-Journal. Congratulations Don!
On Civility: Where does it come from and where did it go?
By Donald H. Vish
Special to The Courier-Journal
This article first appeared in the December 2007 issue of Louisville Bar Briefs, a publication of the Louisville Bar Association. It was adapted from a speech Mr. Vish, an attorney with Middleton Reutlinger, delivered in October 2007 to a young lawyers leadership conference.
Michel de Montaigne wrote: "The tie that holds me by the law of courtesy seems to me much tighter and stronger than the law of legal compulsion."
In this article, I shall observe civility's first rule: be brief.
There is a longer version of the rule. That is, think much, speak little, and write less. I was tempted to give you the maxim in its original tongue, Italian, (pensa molto, parla poco, e scrivi meno) but that would violate Washington's 72nd Rule of Civility:
"Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, but in your own language …"
Where does civility come from
The Greeks thought civility came from civic necessity. Without civility, the state could not function. Uncivil conduct, according to etymology, is conduct of someone who is not a citizen -- a barbarian.
Lord Chesterfield, in his famous letters to his son, thought civility -- good manners, courtesy and polish -- were a stratagem, a way to get ahead and prevail against competitors. Of Lord Chesterfield's letters, Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote: "[T]hey teach the manners of a dance-master and the morals of a prostitute."
Plato's approach to the need for civility is encompassed in his empathetic dictum: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
The grand Hindu pronouncement, "Thou art that" (pronounced tat twam asi), provides another basis for treating civility as an exercise in self-interest. That is, we do good things for our neighbor because our neighbor is identical to our self. Western interpretation of the great pronouncement treats it as the ultimate basis for ethical conduct. Since we are all one in the Hindu conception of the world, civility benefits the giver and the receiver -- the proverbial win-win formulation at the intersection of compassion and self-interest.
Contemporary thinkers since the Enlightenment regard ethics, not self-improvement, as the fountainhead of civility, since civility is concerned with the well-being of others and requires the actor to give consideration outside self.
George Washington and Ben Franklin each had a life long interest in civility. Dr. P.M. Forni, a professor at John Hopkins University, teaches civility and Italian literature, and is the co-founder of The Johns Hopkins Civility Project. His book, Choosing Civility: the 25 Rules of Considerate Conduct, present considerably fewer than George Washington's "110 Rules of Civility and Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation," written when he was 14 years old. My writing is indebted to Dr. Forni's work and the writing and thinking of Washington and Franklin.
What is civility?
Dr. Forni says: "Being civil means being constantly aware of others and weaving restraint, respect, and consideration into the very fabric of this awareness. Civility is a form of goodness."
While civil conduct may be described as courteous, well-mannered and polite, those who practice the art of civility are first and foremost good citizens, good neighbors practicing the art of goodness. To be sure, personal benefits redound to those who practice civility but the ultimate beneficiary is society at large.
Dr. Forni says civility leads to personal serenity and contentment and he links the study of manners and civility in a poignant way. Those who study civility, he says, [soon] begin to understand that a humble book of etiquette can be used as a primer in moral philosophy. His thoughts are similar to Ben Franklin's. Franklin thought that practicing the art of virtue would lead to: (1) personal happiness and (2) greatness.
The study and practice of civility belongs to the realm of ethics and morality. Why? Civility is not merely a way of acting but a way of living based on respect for others. To be civil means to transcend self and behave in a way that takes into account the feelings and comfort of others. Washington's 1st Rule of Civility (out of 110) might serve as the only rule of civility: Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is an entire treatise on civility.
Perhaps I should stop here: Think much, speak little and write less, as it were. Everything else that may be said about civility is simply a concrete application of the basic rule: think of others. Sometimes, however, application of the basic rule is not obvious, thus the need for codes, tutorials, rules, maxims and the continuation of this article.
The rules
Montaigne condemns idle civilities. As an example he cites the complex rules associated with the order of precedence and arrival at a conference of princes. In the custom of the times, the greatest arrived first because this arrangement testifies that the inferiors go to find the greatest, and seek him, not he them. While the art of social tact is a useful art like grace and beauty and conciliates our way with others, Montaigne warns of rote or slavish application of rules stating that he has often seen men uncivil through over-civility and importunate out of courtesy.
But rules are necessary since various aspects of civility do not come naturally. For example, one 19th Century book of etiquette advises the reader that all personal questions are rude. If you are like me, you may have thought of personal questions as a friendly way to break the ice, to show interest in others and establish rapport. But the personal question intrudes and presents a risk of placing the deponent in an awkward position (Q. How's the job going? A. I was fired last week).
The author persuaded me to avoid all personal questions and instead use a positive formulation of good wishes thereby giving the other person the option of providing a simple acknowledgment with little or no information in response.
Ben Franklin writes of his life-long attempt to cultivate diplomatic speech -- which did not come naturally to him -- and his life long practice of ignoring provocations by refusing to respond directly to personal attacks and rarely even acknowledging them -- which did not come naturally to him either.
Franklin's restraint served him well. It was not motivated by his admiration for the dictum of the Prince of Peace, turn the other cheek, but by what is useful in social intercourse. By refusing to acknowledge or respond to insult and invective, he avoided spreading the calumny further and deprived the enemy of knowing how the missile had damaged the target or even if it had hit the mark.
Franklin practiced another interesting method of enhancing social interaction: He conceded points even when he was right! Sometimes to preserve a friendship, sometimes out of respect and sometimes because the point was simply not important, the game was not worth the candle, or, as Montaigne writes: "Sometimes it is better for a man to lose his vineyard than to go to the law to keep it."
Ben Franklin also courted his opponents and adversaries, even those who he vanquished. He tells the instructive story of one adversary, a gentleman of fortune, education and talent, who spoke against Franklin's reelection to the office of clerk of the General Assembly. Let Franklin speak for himself about his course of action after winning the election:
"I did not, however, aim at gaining his favor by paying any servile respect to him but [after hearing] that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book I wrote a note to him [asking to borrow it]. He sent it… I returned it … with another note [thanking him]. When next we met in the House he spoke to me (which he had never done before) with great civility…so that we became great friends…"
Washington's 110 rules may be summarized by the first: "respect those present." Dr. Forni's 25 rules of civility are few enough to list separately:
pay attention
acknowledge others
think the best
listen, be inclusive
speak kindly
don't speak ill
accept and give praise
respect "No"
respect others' opinion
mind your bod,
be agreeable
keep it down and rediscover silence
respect other people's time and space
apologize earnestly
assert yourself
avoid personal questions
care for your guests
think twice before asking for a favor
refrain from idle complaints
accept and give constructive criticism
respect the environment
be gentle to animals
don't shift blame.
Of the twenty five rules, Dr. Forni cites one as being at the heart of all civil behavior: speak kindly. That is Plato's advice. An entire treatise may be devoted to the subject of ill-tempered speech. Indeed, a substantial portion of the Old Testament and the Hebrew Bible are devoted to the maxim, control your tongue. And to that there might be added your pen, your email, your car, your cell-phone, your blog and your camera-phone.
Has civility declined?
I was asked to write on the topic of civility because of the widespread belief that civility is in decline. You hear the stories portraying a long-lost golden age of decorum and grace. But there is an alternate history. Take, for example, the example of Kentucky lawyer and Jefferson County legislator William Jordan Graves (1805-1848). He fought a duel with deadly weapons -- rifles -- in 1838, while a member of the House of Representatives, and killed Jonathan Cilley, a representative from Maine.
And listen to the verbal invective of 19th Century Virginia Sen. John Randolph directed to a fellow senator. Randolph said,
"[He is] so brilliant, yet so corrupt, and like a rotten mackerel by moonlight, which shines and stinks."
And how did Henry Clay react to the insult? According to the custom of the day, he challenged Randolph to a duel.
Surely you recall your first act in becoming a lawyer: an oath that you had not fought a duel with deadly weapons nor served as a second nor carried a challenge. The golden age of decorum was not always as we like to remember it.
Actually, concern for civility has been present throughout the history of civilization. And while the rules and customs change (smoking in public provides a current example, eye contact is respectful in some cultures, disrespectful in others), the reasons for incivility remain constant: failure to consider the needs and comfort of others.
Whether the omission is based on anger, carelessness or lack of knowledge, the result is the same. We put ourselves first.
Dr. Forni identifies several current cultural conditions that make incivility more widespread if not more pronounced, even though there are some areas of our culture where there is more civility today: a culture of narcissism (I did it my way), the Age of Self, the decline of authority, mistrust of forms over substance, anonymity, the drive to succeed (we are too busy, too goal directed), stress, winning.
To his list, I would add: The Plague. That is to say, incivility is contagious. One uncivil act begets another which treads on the heels of another and spreads like ripples on water.
So are there antidotes to the Plague? Well, if there are not enough Rules already, I would add four:
Think much, speak little, and write less.
Save your anger for the right occasion but always withhold it in two cases: 1) where you can't change the outcome; and 2) where you can.
Look and overlook, bear and forbear.
Always make haste slowly.
Terry
Here is a wonderful article by our Board President. It appeared in Sunday's Courier-Journal. Congratulations Don!
On Civility: Where does it come from and where did it go?
By Donald H. Vish
Special to The Courier-Journal
This article first appeared in the December 2007 issue of Louisville Bar Briefs, a publication of the Louisville Bar Association. It was adapted from a speech Mr. Vish, an attorney with Middleton Reutlinger, delivered in October 2007 to a young lawyers leadership conference.
Michel de Montaigne wrote: "The tie that holds me by the law of courtesy seems to me much tighter and stronger than the law of legal compulsion."
In this article, I shall observe civility's first rule: be brief.
There is a longer version of the rule. That is, think much, speak little, and write less. I was tempted to give you the maxim in its original tongue, Italian, (pensa molto, parla poco, e scrivi meno) but that would violate Washington's 72nd Rule of Civility:
"Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, but in your own language …"
Where does civility come from
The Greeks thought civility came from civic necessity. Without civility, the state could not function. Uncivil conduct, according to etymology, is conduct of someone who is not a citizen -- a barbarian.
Lord Chesterfield, in his famous letters to his son, thought civility -- good manners, courtesy and polish -- were a stratagem, a way to get ahead and prevail against competitors. Of Lord Chesterfield's letters, Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote: "[T]hey teach the manners of a dance-master and the morals of a prostitute."
Plato's approach to the need for civility is encompassed in his empathetic dictum: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
The grand Hindu pronouncement, "Thou art that" (pronounced tat twam asi), provides another basis for treating civility as an exercise in self-interest. That is, we do good things for our neighbor because our neighbor is identical to our self. Western interpretation of the great pronouncement treats it as the ultimate basis for ethical conduct. Since we are all one in the Hindu conception of the world, civility benefits the giver and the receiver -- the proverbial win-win formulation at the intersection of compassion and self-interest.
Contemporary thinkers since the Enlightenment regard ethics, not self-improvement, as the fountainhead of civility, since civility is concerned with the well-being of others and requires the actor to give consideration outside self.
George Washington and Ben Franklin each had a life long interest in civility. Dr. P.M. Forni, a professor at John Hopkins University, teaches civility and Italian literature, and is the co-founder of The Johns Hopkins Civility Project. His book, Choosing Civility: the 25 Rules of Considerate Conduct, present considerably fewer than George Washington's "110 Rules of Civility and Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation," written when he was 14 years old. My writing is indebted to Dr. Forni's work and the writing and thinking of Washington and Franklin.
What is civility?
Dr. Forni says: "Being civil means being constantly aware of others and weaving restraint, respect, and consideration into the very fabric of this awareness. Civility is a form of goodness."
While civil conduct may be described as courteous, well-mannered and polite, those who practice the art of civility are first and foremost good citizens, good neighbors practicing the art of goodness. To be sure, personal benefits redound to those who practice civility but the ultimate beneficiary is society at large.
Dr. Forni says civility leads to personal serenity and contentment and he links the study of manners and civility in a poignant way. Those who study civility, he says, [soon] begin to understand that a humble book of etiquette can be used as a primer in moral philosophy. His thoughts are similar to Ben Franklin's. Franklin thought that practicing the art of virtue would lead to: (1) personal happiness and (2) greatness.
The study and practice of civility belongs to the realm of ethics and morality. Why? Civility is not merely a way of acting but a way of living based on respect for others. To be civil means to transcend self and behave in a way that takes into account the feelings and comfort of others. Washington's 1st Rule of Civility (out of 110) might serve as the only rule of civility: Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is an entire treatise on civility.
Perhaps I should stop here: Think much, speak little and write less, as it were. Everything else that may be said about civility is simply a concrete application of the basic rule: think of others. Sometimes, however, application of the basic rule is not obvious, thus the need for codes, tutorials, rules, maxims and the continuation of this article.
The rules
Montaigne condemns idle civilities. As an example he cites the complex rules associated with the order of precedence and arrival at a conference of princes. In the custom of the times, the greatest arrived first because this arrangement testifies that the inferiors go to find the greatest, and seek him, not he them. While the art of social tact is a useful art like grace and beauty and conciliates our way with others, Montaigne warns of rote or slavish application of rules stating that he has often seen men uncivil through over-civility and importunate out of courtesy.
But rules are necessary since various aspects of civility do not come naturally. For example, one 19th Century book of etiquette advises the reader that all personal questions are rude. If you are like me, you may have thought of personal questions as a friendly way to break the ice, to show interest in others and establish rapport. But the personal question intrudes and presents a risk of placing the deponent in an awkward position (Q. How's the job going? A. I was fired last week).
The author persuaded me to avoid all personal questions and instead use a positive formulation of good wishes thereby giving the other person the option of providing a simple acknowledgment with little or no information in response.
Ben Franklin writes of his life-long attempt to cultivate diplomatic speech -- which did not come naturally to him -- and his life long practice of ignoring provocations by refusing to respond directly to personal attacks and rarely even acknowledging them -- which did not come naturally to him either.
Franklin's restraint served him well. It was not motivated by his admiration for the dictum of the Prince of Peace, turn the other cheek, but by what is useful in social intercourse. By refusing to acknowledge or respond to insult and invective, he avoided spreading the calumny further and deprived the enemy of knowing how the missile had damaged the target or even if it had hit the mark.
Franklin practiced another interesting method of enhancing social interaction: He conceded points even when he was right! Sometimes to preserve a friendship, sometimes out of respect and sometimes because the point was simply not important, the game was not worth the candle, or, as Montaigne writes: "Sometimes it is better for a man to lose his vineyard than to go to the law to keep it."
Ben Franklin also courted his opponents and adversaries, even those who he vanquished. He tells the instructive story of one adversary, a gentleman of fortune, education and talent, who spoke against Franklin's reelection to the office of clerk of the General Assembly. Let Franklin speak for himself about his course of action after winning the election:
"I did not, however, aim at gaining his favor by paying any servile respect to him but [after hearing] that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book I wrote a note to him [asking to borrow it]. He sent it… I returned it … with another note [thanking him]. When next we met in the House he spoke to me (which he had never done before) with great civility…so that we became great friends…"
Washington's 110 rules may be summarized by the first: "respect those present." Dr. Forni's 25 rules of civility are few enough to list separately:
pay attention
acknowledge others
think the best
listen, be inclusive
speak kindly
don't speak ill
accept and give praise
respect "No"
respect others' opinion
mind your bod,
be agreeable
keep it down and rediscover silence
respect other people's time and space
apologize earnestly
assert yourself
avoid personal questions
care for your guests
think twice before asking for a favor
refrain from idle complaints
accept and give constructive criticism
respect the environment
be gentle to animals
don't shift blame.
Of the twenty five rules, Dr. Forni cites one as being at the heart of all civil behavior: speak kindly. That is Plato's advice. An entire treatise may be devoted to the subject of ill-tempered speech. Indeed, a substantial portion of the Old Testament and the Hebrew Bible are devoted to the maxim, control your tongue. And to that there might be added your pen, your email, your car, your cell-phone, your blog and your camera-phone.
Has civility declined?
I was asked to write on the topic of civility because of the widespread belief that civility is in decline. You hear the stories portraying a long-lost golden age of decorum and grace. But there is an alternate history. Take, for example, the example of Kentucky lawyer and Jefferson County legislator William Jordan Graves (1805-1848). He fought a duel with deadly weapons -- rifles -- in 1838, while a member of the House of Representatives, and killed Jonathan Cilley, a representative from Maine.
And listen to the verbal invective of 19th Century Virginia Sen. John Randolph directed to a fellow senator. Randolph said,
"[He is] so brilliant, yet so corrupt, and like a rotten mackerel by moonlight, which shines and stinks."
And how did Henry Clay react to the insult? According to the custom of the day, he challenged Randolph to a duel.
Surely you recall your first act in becoming a lawyer: an oath that you had not fought a duel with deadly weapons nor served as a second nor carried a challenge. The golden age of decorum was not always as we like to remember it.
Actually, concern for civility has been present throughout the history of civilization. And while the rules and customs change (smoking in public provides a current example, eye contact is respectful in some cultures, disrespectful in others), the reasons for incivility remain constant: failure to consider the needs and comfort of others.
Whether the omission is based on anger, carelessness or lack of knowledge, the result is the same. We put ourselves first.
Dr. Forni identifies several current cultural conditions that make incivility more widespread if not more pronounced, even though there are some areas of our culture where there is more civility today: a culture of narcissism (I did it my way), the Age of Self, the decline of authority, mistrust of forms over substance, anonymity, the drive to succeed (we are too busy, too goal directed), stress, winning.
To his list, I would add: The Plague. That is to say, incivility is contagious. One uncivil act begets another which treads on the heels of another and spreads like ripples on water.
So are there antidotes to the Plague? Well, if there are not enough Rules already, I would add four:
Think much, speak little, and write less.
Save your anger for the right occasion but always withhold it in two cases: 1) where you can't change the outcome; and 2) where you can.
Look and overlook, bear and forbear.
Always make haste slowly.
Terry
posted by Interfaith Paths to Peace at 11:20 AM
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